I want to live my life to be unmemorable. I want people to forget who I am and only remember who I love. JESUS. I want to be called a freak. I want to be misunderstood. I want to have a life that looks like my own and not the worlds. I want to be different. Jesus will get me there. Prayer changes things. I had no idea.

With arms high and heart abandoned for the one who gave it all. Because He did what I never could and I want to live in honor of a life like that. I want to live like that. God is here and He is good.

I’m tired. Down to my soul, I’m tired. This constant battle of good vs evil, the constant fighting the lies. I’m weary. The war between life, and true life. It’s taxing to follow something that moves the earth and changes hearts, but cannot hug you in a moment of weakness. I want to run away. I want to run away and be a disciple. On the move, only telling people of the love that’s waiting for them. I don’t want to deal with driving, school, family, expectations or anything else that this world is blinded by. But then again, with my weariness, I also want to lay down in bed and never wake up. I want to be done here, to drift off into the unknown of living in the Glory of God.

I really have been thinking about a hijab lately. It’s a middle eastern head garb that hides your hair. I want one, and I want to be able to wear it. Not for modesty, but for the reason it’s like a hat. I want to cover my hair and they are beautiful. I haven’t, but it’s been bothering me why I don’t want to wear one. The judgment, the not understanding, the harassment, and then all of those things, make me want to do it more. Hmmm. Wonder wonder….

About diamond rings. OMG. Talk about overkill. “I have a 1 karat diamond with 32 diamonds around the band that come to .75 karats.” SERIOUSLY!? Sweet nibblets, her single ring could feed a country. What happened to simplicity and genuine? It went out the door and was replaced by gaudy and delirium. What is the point of a $3,000 ring? The more cash the more love?? Load of crap. COMEONPEOPLE! Wake up!

I am angry because of people that have “respect” and then treat people like crap.

I am angry because of people that make commitments and then decide they are special and don’t really need to attend things. Cause they’re so special.

God will forgive me of my anger, but this is bull shit. ARH! Knock it off.

There is so much going on right now. I’m pulling up my big girl panties and holding God close. I am called to China. This summer. “You plan for next year, but do you have that time to plan?” God’s voice came thundering down. “oh.” It was all I could muster, but I felt a resolve develop. I spend my life planning for next year, I’ll wait to get married, I’ll wait to go on a mission, I’ll wait to live the life I want to live-the life I am called to live. But do I have the time to plan so far ahead? After all, death is eminent.

So I will go to China this summer. Even though it will cost $4,000. Even though, it will cost me my family, (for now- but God is faithful and restorative) even though it terrifies me, and will change my life forever. I will go.

God spoke to me, a year ago. “There may be a time when you must leave your family for me. Are you willing?” My heart sunk, and tears came, and for a week, I cried and said no. Then He spoke again, “Why?” As I thought of all the reasons why, none were legitimate reasons. I mean after all, He gave me life and carried me. So I agreed, “God, I will, but I am scared and want to be a woman of my word. Keep me to my word.” Now I think that time is near. Again, I am scared, I am confused and hurt. But given a choice between home and Jesus, I’ll chose Jesus and walk towards him and away from everything I know.

“Even unto your gray hair and old age, I am He. I am He who will sustain you. I made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Father, you keep me to my word, and I will keep you to yours.

I’m starting to understand the vastness of what I’ve done to myself with getting in the nursing program. The things I will go through, and the things I will see, will easily consume me and depress me. I will see loved ones lost, loving someone, knowing they will be gone by next winter. I will see devotion and abandonment. I will have the weight of someone’s health and well-being placed on me 12 hours a day. I will have to see people make decisions that forever change (or end) someone’s life. I will see death of every age, and life. I will see the disheartened and the fighters. I will have so much stress thrown at me, I’ll collapse. I will be so heartbroken that I think I might physically fall apart.

The only way I won’t die, will be through the strength of God and the love of Jesus and guiding of the Spirit. God is going to have to bring his A-Game in order for me to not die.

What did I do? Ohman.

For God. Does everyone have sermons running through their minds on a regular basis? Like, mine today, has been jaw dropping with information and ideas about the vastness of God’s love. But I have no one to share it with. Hugeness. Like, Genesis 1 huge. He is unimaginable. Creating, making, breathing life, knowing that we’ll destroy his creations. Loving us anyway, blessing us anyway. Free will, it’s a crazy thing.. Ask me about it! Ask Jesus about it.

Will be the end of me. I’m dying right now. OMG. So much to know, people’s lives at stake. I feel like God made a mistake. I’m sinking in all this crap. Bah.